Upon Reflection
by momac
Summary: Set in Season 7. A chance encounter on the holodeck forces Chakotay to face the truth about his relationship with his commanding officer. A version of this short piece was originally posted as part of the JCUK Advent Calendar, 2003.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer – Sorry folks I'm sure we all know this bit off by heart. I own nothing; Paramount owns everything except the words on this page. I am making absolutely no money from this and still I spend hours slaving over it … hmmm now why does that equation not add up! 

Please note…this story contains characters and dialogue borrowed from O.K.. Row ling's Harry Potter and the Philosophers stone. All characters were returned to O.K.. Rowing in pristine condition at the end of the story.

Summary – Set in Season 7. A chance encounter on the holodeck forces Chakotay to face the truth about his relationship with his commanding officer. A version of this short piece was originally posted as part of the JUKE Advent Calendar, 2003.

Rating – J/C General

  
Upon Reflection  
  
Momac 2003  


Part One

'Come on Commander, down here. If they find us we'll be expelled for sure.'

A small hand grabbed hold of his, dragging him down yet another dim corridor. The cloak currently draped over their shoulders might have rendered them invisible to prying eyes but it did little to deaden the sound of their footsteps.

'In here.'

She stopped suddenly, forcing him to brace his hands against the wooden door. As the alternative was to have squashed her flatter than one of Neelix's infamous leola root pancakes he flattened his palms against the rough wood, flinching slightly as a splinter embedded itself into his thumb.

Naomi chose that precise moment to turn and give him a quick hug. Looking down at her face, glowing with excitement he found himself returning her grin.

'Isn't this the best Priding present ever. Mum say's Tom spent months working on it.'

Chakotay let another grin slip free. If he remembered correctly B'Elanna had had a few choice words to say about the amount of time her husband had been spending in the halo-labs lately. Of course, she'd relented when she discovered the recipient of Paris's latest masterpiece was a certain young lady by the name of Naomi.

He was about to speak when a sinister meow sounded from the shadows. He could tell from Naomi's startled gasp that this was not good.

'Oh no…its Mrs. Norris.'

Naomi moved quickly, dragging him through the crumbling archway before he'd had a chance to enquire as to who Mrs. Norris was, and what role she had to play here at Hog warts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Perhaps he should have taken Kathryn's advice and done a little research into the story behind the hooknose before allowing himself to be talked into taking part.

Finally free from pursuit, they were able to shrug off the cloak and take stock of their surroundings. What little illumination there was came from the grime encrusted windows set in the east wall. For a moment Chakotay mourned for the lamp they had been forced to leave behind in the library when they'd been disturbed ransacking the restricted section. As their eyes adapted to the gloom shadows slowly resolved into discarded chairs and overturned tables…identifying their sanctuary as a disused classroom.

'What's that?'

Naomi didn't wait for an answer, racing across the room to stand at the base of what had to be the largest mirror Chakotay had ever seen.

As high as the ceiling, it was contained within an ornate gold frame into which an inscription was carved. Dust clung to every surface, obscuring much of the script, but something about the words reminded Chakotay of childhood intrigues.

'Erised star eh…t up…afro out on w…his.'

Curious, he moved closer but was, once again, beaten by Naomi who stepped up to the mirror, her small face alive with excitement. It took only a second or two for the excitement to be replaced by confusion.

'Something's wrong…where's my reflection?'

The words had barely left her mouth before she'd let out a small scream and whirled round, her eyes searching through the shadows in the room. Instantly alert Chakotay moved to shield her from whatever danger she'd spotted, but despite his best efforts he could see nothing that warranted such alarm.

When he turned back Naomi was once again staring at the mirror; her eyes fixed on a sight only she seemed able to see.

'Look at me…' She reached out and touched the dusty surface, a look of wonder on her face. '…I'm a Captain, and there's Mom and my father. Everyone's smiling at me…'

She was so close to the mirror now that her nose was nearly touching the grime encrusted glass.

'Can't you see them all?'

'Sorry Naomi…I can only see you, and some cobwebs.'

He tactfully refrained from mentioning the large spiders that came with them.

Throwing him an exasperated glance she stepped aside.

'Perhaps your not looking into it properly. Go on, stand where I was and then you'll see.'

Never one to disappoint a lady, Chakotay took up position directly in front of the mirror. Naomi watched him with barely contained excitement. Time seemed to stand still as he stared into the depths of the glass. A flash of something that might have been pain raced across his features, leaving in its wake an emptiness that made the little girl want to throw her arms around him and give him a big hug.

'Did you see them?'

Chakotay dragged his eyes away from the images captured within the glass. Not trusting his voice he nodded, grateful for the fact that Naomi didn't ask him to elaborate.

'Do you think this mirror shows the future?'

'Perhaps…' Balling his hands into fists, Chakotay ruthlessly suppressed the trembling that threatened to expose him. '…but we both know there will be no future for either of us if we miss dinner. Rumor has it Neelix has surpassed himself this year.'

'But Commander…we still don't know who Nicholas Flame is!' She stared up at him beseechingly. '…and then there's that three headed dog…'

'Naomi!'

'I know…' She took one last look at the smiling woman in the mirror, marveling at the four shiny pips nestling on her collar. 'I promised Mom I wouldn't be late…but…can we come back tomorrow?'

'I'll see what I can do…'


	2. Part Two

Upon Reflection

Part Two

The words echoed in his head as he stood staring once more at the mirror. He was alone this time, his companion from this afternoon safely tucked up asleep in bed. The past few hours had been torture for him, forced to socialise with the crew he'd finally pleaded exhaustion and hidden himself away in his quarters. Once there he'd paced the floor, waiting nervously for his chance to return, unobserved, to the holodeck.

He'd been afraid it was all a dream…that he'd get here and find them gone. But they were still there, smiling back at him. Red hair glinted in the sunshine as she reached down to pick up the child running towards her. Identical smiles turned towards him, warming his soul while simultaneously breaking his heart. A second child clambered into view, arms outstretched towards him. Smiling, Kathryn scooped him up, balancing a child on each hip.

'Back again, Commander?'

He'd been so engrossed in the images that he'd failed to notice that he was no longer alone. An old man, his hair and beard the colour of snow stood motionless by one of the discarded desks. Albus Dumbeldore. Naomi had pointed him out that afternoon, her voice filled with wonder.

'Forgive me…I didn't realise you were there.'

The old man seemed to grow sad at his words. Without warning he started to move, crossing the intervening space with a grace that belied his age.

'I see you, like hundreds before you, have discovered the delights of the Mirror of Erised. By now I expect you realise what it does?'

'I know what it doesn't do…' Chakotay whispered the words, '…it doesn't show the future.'

A soft sigh sounded from beside him.

'No…it doesn't. Let me explain. The happiest man on earth would be able to use the Mirror of Erised like a normal mirror, that is, he would look into it and see himself exactly as he is. For those of us less fortunate the mirror reveals nothing less that the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts. However, be warned…this mirror will give us neither knowledge nor truth. Men have wasted away before it, entranced by what they have seen, or driven mad, not knowing if what it shows is real or even possible.'

'Do not condemn yourself to such a fate, Commander. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.'

The words hung in the air long after the one who had uttered them had faded back into the shadows. Yet somewhere deep inside him a voice took up the chant, clearing a way through the memories of seven long years of frustrated dreams and squandered opportunities, to focus instead on the promise of the here and now.

A bittersweet smile tugged at his lips as he watched a Kathryn he would never know reach out to him, her eyes alight with equal measures of love and laughter.

Leaning forward he placed a soft kiss on her smiling lips.

'I love you, Kathryn…I always will…but I can't allow myself to be in love with you any longer. It's not fair on either of us. I don't expect you to understand, I barely understand it myself, but I hope one day you'll forgive me for what I'm about to do…'

His decision made, Voyagers first officer turned his back on seven years of dreams and strode purposefully out of the holodeck.

Epilogue

Chakotay approached the mirror with caution, remembering every detail of its ornate structure. Had it really been 11 years since he'd last laid eyes on it. 11 years to the day since he'd made the decision to turn his back on his dreams and seek out a future that didn't include Kathryn Janeway.

A reluctant smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he marveled at the arrogance of youth. How could he ever have imagined he could live without her?

Not that he hadn't given it a damned good try.

The other day he'd been passing through Starfleet Headquarters when he'd caught a glimpse of Seven striding down a corridor with a gaggle of love struck assistants trailing in her wake.

The years had been kind to her, softening her features and stripping away that layer of aloofness that had held her apart from her peers for so long. Along the way she'd learned to smile, and used it to cut a swathe through the male population of San Francisco. The alpha male she'd craved so long ago still eluded her, yet she seemed content with her life, much to the distress of both B'Elanna and Kathryn who had made it their personal crusade to find her a partner. Rumour had it that single officers had taken to fleeing in terror when either woman entered a room. God help them when it was time for Miral and Leah to spread their wings…

His smile blossomed as thoughts of his family filled his mind as completely as they filled his life.

The last time he'd looked into the Mirror of Erised it was to see an image that had seemed unattainable. Kathryn, her eyes alight with laughter as she balanced a baby on her hips. At her feet a toddler sat playing, his little face screwed up in concentration as he added a splash of colour to the paper spread out in front of him.

The last time he'd walked away. It was a mistake he never intended to repeat.

Reaching out he cleared away the dust from the inscription that danced around the rim of the mirror.

'I show not your face but your hearts desire.'

Dumbledore had claimed that the happiest man on earth would be able to use the Mirror of Erised as he would a normal mirror, that is, he would he himself exactly as he was.

Curiosity had him shifting his position, his breath hitching in anticipation.

'Chakotay?'

Another voice reached out to him, drawing his gaze from the man captured in the glass to the shadows that draped themselves against the walls.

'Darling…are you all right? Our guests will be arriving soon and Leah refuses to go to sleep unless you tuck her in…'

The scent of roses tickled his nose, intensifying as she moved to stand beside him. Her attention however, was focused on the ancient mirror.

He was about to speak when she pulled away from him; her gaze fixed on the mirror with an intensity that terrified him.

'Kathryn, what is it … what do you see?'

Sighing softly to herself Kathryn reached out, her fingers leaving a trail of dust particles trailing in their wake.

'Relax Chakotay… its just another gray hair!'

Slender fingers located the errant strand, tucking it carefully out of sight. Satisfied with the image staring back at her Kathryn turned, planting a teasing kiss on her husband's cheek. If she noticed a slight tremor in the hand she captured she made no mention of it, the sparkle in Chakotay's eyes reassuring her more than a million words ever could.  



End file.
